Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Mr. T and Chuck Norris- Clash of the Animated Titans

I've made no secret of my affection for the real-life superhero that is Mr. T. He is, perhaps one of the greatest minds of the twentieth century, dispensing ageless wisdom like "Everybody's gotta wear clothes! If you don't, you get arrested!" or "Be somebody! 'Cause if you're not somebody, then you're gonna be somebody's FOOL!"

And we all know what happens to fools. BAD THINGS! Like pity.

However, despite all of his greatness Mr. T is often overshadowed by another derelict of 80's culture: the indomitable Chuck Norris! Now, my personal thoughts on the matter should be obvious, however Mr. T and Chuck Norris are the subject of many an internet meme as well as numerous debates over who is truly the greatest.

It is into the tempestuous cauldron of strife that I shall toss my proverbial two cents.
Good god, I'm feeling verbose today!

But I'm limiting the arena. Instead of debating Chuck Norris and Mr. T- the men, I'm going to debate Chuck Norris and Mr. T- THE CARTOONS!

Yep, both Mr. T and Chuck Norris had their own cartoon series, which should surprise no one. Everything had it's own cartoon series in the 80's, from Rambo to a FREAKING RUBIX CUBE!!! I know the Rubix cube is tangential to the point at hand, but GOD THAT IS WEIRD!!!

The real question is, whose bad assery was best captured in animated form? Mr. T, Chuck Norris or the Rubix cube? Let's investigate further.

Let's start off with the first thing we're going to be seeing :

Let's start with Chuck, here.

Have you watched it? If not click on the link above.

All finished?

My personal bias notwithstanding, THAT WAS FREAKING RAD!!! I especially like the Super Ninja. I find him to be the most relatable character of the bunch. Well played Mr. Norris! Now can my boy T do any better?

Let's find out.

Okay, the song was awesome, as was Mr. T twirling the alligator over his head... But there wasn't enough T! It focused too much on his gymnast friends and they really suck! Plus, there was no Super Ninja! Very cool, but ultimately left me cold. Round one goes to Norris.


All right. Chuck has the cooler theme song, but here's another important question: Which of these veritable titans of yesteryear is a worthier adversary of that mysterious shadow warrior of ancient Japan, THE NINJA!?!?

Chuck Norris vs. Ninjas

Mr. T vs. Ninjas

I'm sorry. Even I have to admit that Chuck Norris launching a flying kick the back of a Dolphin into the least Asian sounding Ninjas I've ever seen is cooler than Mr. T catching a barber pole. Not to mention his conflict with THE SUPERNINJA! I LOVE that guy.

Point goes to Norris.


I have no connecting theme between these two clips. I just wanted to share them with the rest of the world.

I'm Chuck Norris

Mr. T Cereal

Once again, I have to give the point to Chuck Norris. The way Mr. T keeps saying "It's cool!" Just kind of strikes me as denial...

All right, I will concede that the animated version of Chuck Norris is clearly much cooler than the animated Mr. T. However, he had a much higher budget and his sidekicks included sumo wrestlers, who are cooler than a bunch of politically correct Scooby Doo wannabes.

This is far from a surrender however, as the live action Mr. T will always be cooler than Cuck Norris, by virtue of THIS!


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The worst thing I have ever seen....

Nothing sets the hormones of a young Star Wars nerd a-flutter quite like Princess Leia and her metal bikini from Return of the Jedi.

Leia's metal bikini is about as sexy as Star Wars gets!

I mean, just look at that! THAT is the worst thing I have ever seen in my entire life!!!

This isn't even an isolated incident! There are ACTUALLY multiple incidents of people dressing up animals in metal bikinis!
I mean look at these!

My Little Pony!

Even freaking Minnie Mouse!

There are probably LOADS more, but if you think I'm going to research this any further, you're crazy! My mind is pretty much broken! My Little Pony wasn't meant to be sultry! Minnie Mouse (hopefully) wasn't meant to be sultry!
Isn't it enough of a turn off that all the shots of Metal-Bikini Leia in the movie also incorporate Salacious Crumb or Jabba the Hutt? Now the image of that dog will be forever emblazoned in my mind whenever that scene comes up!

God, I need to take a shower.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

District 9 in a nutshell (Warning: Some Spoilers)

Yes, I did enjoy the film for the most part.
But I do feel that I can sum the whole thing up in one picture.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Every generation needs a hero...

I love superheroes. I think anybody who knows me even in the slightest will attest to that. And anybody who loves superheroes has no doubt tried to create one of their own. When I was younger, I was certainly no different. My elementary school math papers were filled with stories detailing the exploits of heroes such as...
The Muscle was your generic musclebound hero. I remember I had one comic where the muscle proved how inifinitely bad ass he was by beating up Stone Cold Steve Austin, who was big in like... 1996. That should tell you how old I was when I was making these.

Who was always the most popular amongst my friends. I have no idea why. I don't even remember doing anything all that great with him.

JetBot is, in my opinion the coolest of my heroes. But no amount of guns can hide the fact that I tried to make it look like a jet was protruding from his back but made it look like it was in between his legs. You know how Michael Bay had robots with scrotums in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen? WELL I DID IT FIRST!!!!

You think I'm joking. Well I'm not. I probably made more Toilet Man stuff than any other hero. I have no excuse.

But you want to know what all those heroes have in common?


You see, I made all of those heroes when I had only a vague understanding of superhero comics. I was young and foolish! Now I know oh so much better, and have been using my newfound knowledge to create a classic hero for our times... And I think I have one.

The American Train Engine. The Iron Horse. Once rails united a the budding nation, a symbol of industrial strength and the spirit America (and the Chinese guys who got roped into working on them.) But in recent years the train has fallen in stature, an old fashioned and archaic symbol of the past. However there are people who still ride the rails.

Engineer Douglas Thomas was one such person. An engineer from a long line of engineers, Thomas rode the rails until one day... While piloting an old steam engine for an exhibition (I have done no research and am making this up as I go along) there was a horrible accident. Thomas' legs were severed from his body but due to magical coal (just go with it) Thomas actually fused with his engine to become the Steam Engine of Justice...


Isn't he awesome? Half-Man, Half train ALL INCREDIBLE BAD ASS ACTION! Man Train is by far the most deep and thoughtful hero I've ever created. He's not just Arnold Schwarzenegger with a train instead of legs, but a commentary on the past and a testament to our American heritage! I just might try and sell some publishers on the Man Train concept. I could see him becoming a hero on par with Captain America and Uncle Sam in terms of reflecting American society. There is truly some potential for great story telling here.

At least there was until I found this:

Never mind...