Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Mr. T and Chuck Norris- Clash of the Animated Titans

I've made no secret of my affection for the real-life superhero that is Mr. T. He is, perhaps one of the greatest minds of the twentieth century, dispensing ageless wisdom like "Everybody's gotta wear clothes! If you don't, you get arrested!" or "Be somebody! 'Cause if you're not somebody, then you're gonna be somebody's FOOL!"

And we all know what happens to fools. BAD THINGS! Like pity.

However, despite all of his greatness Mr. T is often overshadowed by another derelict of 80's culture: the indomitable Chuck Norris! Now, my personal thoughts on the matter should be obvious, however Mr. T and Chuck Norris are the subject of many an internet meme as well as numerous debates over who is truly the greatest.

It is into the tempestuous cauldron of strife that I shall toss my proverbial two cents.
Good god, I'm feeling verbose today!

But I'm limiting the arena. Instead of debating Chuck Norris and Mr. T- the men, I'm going to debate Chuck Norris and Mr. T- THE CARTOONS!

Yep, both Mr. T and Chuck Norris had their own cartoon series, which should surprise no one. Everything had it's own cartoon series in the 80's, from Rambo to a FREAKING RUBIX CUBE!!! I know the Rubix cube is tangential to the point at hand, but GOD THAT IS WEIRD!!!

The real question is, whose bad assery was best captured in animated form? Mr. T, Chuck Norris or the Rubix cube? Let's investigate further.

Let's start off with the first thing we're going to be seeing :

Let's start with Chuck, here.

Have you watched it? If not click on the link above.

All finished?

My personal bias notwithstanding, THAT WAS FREAKING RAD!!! I especially like the Super Ninja. I find him to be the most relatable character of the bunch. Well played Mr. Norris! Now can my boy T do any better?

Let's find out.

Okay, the song was awesome, as was Mr. T twirling the alligator over his head... But there wasn't enough T! It focused too much on his gymnast friends and they really suck! Plus, there was no Super Ninja! Very cool, but ultimately left me cold. Round one goes to Norris.


All right. Chuck has the cooler theme song, but here's another important question: Which of these veritable titans of yesteryear is a worthier adversary of that mysterious shadow warrior of ancient Japan, THE NINJA!?!?

Chuck Norris vs. Ninjas

Mr. T vs. Ninjas

I'm sorry. Even I have to admit that Chuck Norris launching a flying kick the back of a Dolphin into the least Asian sounding Ninjas I've ever seen is cooler than Mr. T catching a barber pole. Not to mention his conflict with THE SUPERNINJA! I LOVE that guy.

Point goes to Norris.


I have no connecting theme between these two clips. I just wanted to share them with the rest of the world.

I'm Chuck Norris

Mr. T Cereal

Once again, I have to give the point to Chuck Norris. The way Mr. T keeps saying "It's cool!" Just kind of strikes me as denial...

All right, I will concede that the animated version of Chuck Norris is clearly much cooler than the animated Mr. T. However, he had a much higher budget and his sidekicks included sumo wrestlers, who are cooler than a bunch of politically correct Scooby Doo wannabes.

This is far from a surrender however, as the live action Mr. T will always be cooler than Cuck Norris, by virtue of THIS!


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

The worst thing I have ever seen....

Nothing sets the hormones of a young Star Wars nerd a-flutter quite like Princess Leia and her metal bikini from Return of the Jedi.

Leia's metal bikini is about as sexy as Star Wars gets!

I mean, just look at that! THAT is the worst thing I have ever seen in my entire life!!!

This isn't even an isolated incident! There are ACTUALLY multiple incidents of people dressing up animals in metal bikinis!
I mean look at these!

My Little Pony!

Even freaking Minnie Mouse!

There are probably LOADS more, but if you think I'm going to research this any further, you're crazy! My mind is pretty much broken! My Little Pony wasn't meant to be sultry! Minnie Mouse (hopefully) wasn't meant to be sultry!
Isn't it enough of a turn off that all the shots of Metal-Bikini Leia in the movie also incorporate Salacious Crumb or Jabba the Hutt? Now the image of that dog will be forever emblazoned in my mind whenever that scene comes up!

God, I need to take a shower.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

District 9 in a nutshell (Warning: Some Spoilers)

Yes, I did enjoy the film for the most part.
But I do feel that I can sum the whole thing up in one picture.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Every generation needs a hero...

I love superheroes. I think anybody who knows me even in the slightest will attest to that. And anybody who loves superheroes has no doubt tried to create one of their own. When I was younger, I was certainly no different. My elementary school math papers were filled with stories detailing the exploits of heroes such as...
The Muscle was your generic musclebound hero. I remember I had one comic where the muscle proved how inifinitely bad ass he was by beating up Stone Cold Steve Austin, who was big in like... 1996. That should tell you how old I was when I was making these.

Who was always the most popular amongst my friends. I have no idea why. I don't even remember doing anything all that great with him.

JetBot is, in my opinion the coolest of my heroes. But no amount of guns can hide the fact that I tried to make it look like a jet was protruding from his back but made it look like it was in between his legs. You know how Michael Bay had robots with scrotums in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen? WELL I DID IT FIRST!!!!

You think I'm joking. Well I'm not. I probably made more Toilet Man stuff than any other hero. I have no excuse.

But you want to know what all those heroes have in common?


You see, I made all of those heroes when I had only a vague understanding of superhero comics. I was young and foolish! Now I know oh so much better, and have been using my newfound knowledge to create a classic hero for our times... And I think I have one.

The American Train Engine. The Iron Horse. Once rails united a the budding nation, a symbol of industrial strength and the spirit America (and the Chinese guys who got roped into working on them.) But in recent years the train has fallen in stature, an old fashioned and archaic symbol of the past. However there are people who still ride the rails.

Engineer Douglas Thomas was one such person. An engineer from a long line of engineers, Thomas rode the rails until one day... While piloting an old steam engine for an exhibition (I have done no research and am making this up as I go along) there was a horrible accident. Thomas' legs were severed from his body but due to magical coal (just go with it) Thomas actually fused with his engine to become the Steam Engine of Justice...


Isn't he awesome? Half-Man, Half train ALL INCREDIBLE BAD ASS ACTION! Man Train is by far the most deep and thoughtful hero I've ever created. He's not just Arnold Schwarzenegger with a train instead of legs, but a commentary on the past and a testament to our American heritage! I just might try and sell some publishers on the Man Train concept. I could see him becoming a hero on par with Captain America and Uncle Sam in terms of reflecting American society. There is truly some potential for great story telling here.

At least there was until I found this:

Never mind...

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Ladies and Gentlemen... Lego Alpha Team

Any gamer is familiar with the recent phenomena of Lego video games, whether it's "Lego Star Wars" or "Lego Indiana Jones" or shockingly enough "Lego Batman." But could you imagine that back in the day when Lego actually created their own themes instead of cashing in on the latest movies, there were ORIGINAL LEGO VIDEOGAMES!?!?!

In my last post, I introduced you to Lego Island, a piece of filthy communist propaganda. Now, this game was such a huge part of my childhood, I don't feel like I really did it much justice apart from exposing it's communist agenda. But there will be time to do an in-depth review of Lego Island later... Right now we're on to ALPHA TEAM!


The story of this game is basically what you'd expect from the cover- a team of secret agents trying to stop a super villain named Ogel from taking over the world. But you'd be surprised to discover that the game isn't actually an action game but a puzzle game, involving the proper placement of various gadgets. The game itself is actually surprisingly challenging- not what you would expect from a Lego game. Also, the music is pretty rad. If I could I would put it on my iPod. Or at least use it in a soundtrack for a spy movie. It's pretty sweet like that.

Anyways, enough about the game... Our titular protagonists are much more interesting.
Let's meet them, shall we?

Dash- Dash is the member of the team that you begin the game with, and he is for all intents and purposes, a flat-topped, bestubbled generic action hero type. According to the game, Dash is the Alpha Team's "Motion Expert." Motion expert? What the hell does that even mean? If it anything like that one song from "Hairspray" about not being able to stop the motion of the ocean? How can I, Michael Toland become a motion expert?

Crunch- Crunch is the second member of the team you rescue, and he appears to be the team's Homelessness Expert. Or the team Rapist Expert. Or maybe both... Oh wait, he's supposed to be a Demolitions Expert? He looks more like some guy you would finding sleeping outside the 7-11 or threatening your family than any type of secret agent... In either case, he does not look like somebody that I would trust with bombs.

Radia- Radia is the team's nonexistant haircolor expert, as well as the Laser Expert. Now, you might think that this would make her the most badass member of the team but like I said it's a puzzle game, not an action one, meaning that her lasers just... bounce of mirrors. So instead of being a badass, she's boring...

Cam- Cam is the team Motor Expert. Which why she has an exorbitant amount of wrenches. I don't know why she would need that many wrenches to do her job (although according to the box art, she can use them to deflect lasers, thus making her a better female character than Radia.) Myabe she can lend Radia one of her wrenches to defend herself from Crunch when he oversteps his boundaries, seeing as Radia's lasers actually don't do anything!

Charge- Dash's brother in flat-toppery, he's the team's Electricity expert. He has a sweet goatee and sunglasses, and is thus cooler than any other person on the team. Radia wishes she could grow a goatee and be half as cool as Charge, but she can't because she is boring. Cam wants to get inside Charge's pants. So does Crunch.

Flex- Flex was always my favorite Alpha Team member when I was a kid. Something about the way he had that CRRRRRAAAAZY huge smile all the time and the way I always envisioned Barney from "The Simpsons" voice emanating from him just made him a much better character than his fellow Alpha Team compatriots. He always seemed so joyous and whimsical and for some reason that really appealed to me as a kid. Flex is the team's Rope expert and-
Wait a minute... Rope expert?
Like climbing and stuff of course! Just because he works with ropes doesn't mean that he's into that-
Oh god that smile... Why is smiling like that?
I take back everything I said about Crunch. I think that Flex is definitely the team Rapist expert. Who even knows what he's looking at right now? Oh god... The thing on top of his helmet... What is that even for?

So there you have it! The most badass, most rape convictionist secret agents to ever pop out of Lego! I just never realized how terrifying they were until I got older, just as I never thought to see the communist agenda in Lego Island... How many of these Lego games have these dark undertones!?!?

Up Next: Our look at Lego games concludes with LEGO RACERS!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A Rebirth (AKA Bricks and Borscht: Communism in Lego Island

There are some things that simply need to be done.

I doubt that many, if any of you will remember my old blog on Myspace in which I rambled about MODOK, old videogames, pimp-smacking the Clock King and even died once or twice. Well, I deleted my Myspace long ago, and my blog along with it but something has been gnawing at me to write a new one... To return to my rambling ways, because if I don't than someone else will have to and I might as well spare them the trouble.

It is to that end that I christen this... THY GEEK RAMBLES! My new, ramblin' blog!

Why Thy Geek? Because I am one. And the "Thy" reminds me of "Thy Dungeonman" which is a cool name. So there.

Now that I'm back on the scene, it's time to wonder... What topic could have called me out of my retirement? What could have been so important that I take up a new blog after all these years?

Communism. Plain and simple.

Now, when you think of Communist states, you think of places like the U.S.S.R, China, North Korea and... Lego Island?

Now, few of you may remember Lego Island, a kid-friendly PC Game about the power of building toys and what not.

Those of you who did play Lego Island (such as myself. I loved this game as a kid) will no doubt fondly recall building jet-skis and racercars, meeting a cast of colorful Lego characters and delivering Mama and Papa Brickolini's Pizzas in the role of their adopted son, Pepper.

How young and foolish we both were. Little did we realize that this game was little more than a piece of commie propaganda designed to indoctrinate us young, impressionable kids! But you don't have to take my word for it... Ladies and Gentlemen, WHY LEGO ISLAND IS COMMUNIST!

First things first, let's introduce our single party state ruler, the Infomaniac! he's supposed to guide you through the many wonders of Lego Island, and while at first he may seem friendly... Just look at him!

Now look at Stalin.

Chilling, isn't it? And notice the prevalence of the color red on his map? Something fairly COMMUNIST is afoot here... But that is hardly the only thing communisty here. A central draw of the game is building the Lego vehicles and driving them around... Until you realize that the vehicles you build aren't for your personal use, they're for the good of the state! I remember I built a totally badass jetski only to see some fucker driving it around a few minutes later... Although I suppose it wasn't my jetski. IT WAS THE STATE'S!

Let's consider the playable characters in the game. You can assume the role of one of several lego people, including Italian stereotypes Mama and Papa Brickolini, the aforementioned delivery boy Pepper and... POLICE OFFICERS?

That's right. Ladies and Gentlemen: Nick and Laura Brick. Nick Brick was my favorite character, until I realized that they were little more than the Infomaniac's secret police! You may say "Oh, but Michael, they're just ordinary law enforcement officers! They keep the peace! That's all!" WRONG! And here is perhaps the darkest part of Lego Island...
Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the unfortunate enemy of the state: The Brickster.

Look at him, trapped behind bars. In my childhood he was the embodiment of all evil as he wanted to take this apart instead of build them, but now I truly realize his tragedy. For daring to oppose the Infomaniac's iron clad rule, the Brickster was imprisoned for life, to be heckled and reviled by the people as he slowly starves to death! Just look at the sign they hung outside his cell...


Actually, that sign is supposed to say "Pizza." That's what it says when you go to the cell with any character other than Pepper (who is dyslexic. No joke.) Okay, so the destructive enemy of the state isn't allowed any Pizza. Is that so bad? When you consider that the only source of food aprat from small animals is the Brickolini Pizza place, it is!
This callus treatment of the enemy of the state, combined with de-emphasis on personal property (many a time I would just walk up to a vehicle and take it, no questions asked? Pepper's trademark skateboard became Nick Brick's trademark skateboard many-a -time, and there was that bastard who took my jetski!) and the motif of the red as well as other elements that I can't show you in picture form (the propaganda coming from each car radio) and we have quite the communist state on our hands...
Kim Jong-Il
The Infomaniac.
They're commies.

Lenin had Trotsky... The Infomaniac has Nick Brick.

My money's on Nick Brick. That guy is a straight up thug.

Lego based games were a huge part of my early childhood... This one was my favorite. Imagine my disappointment now that I understand that I was being programmed to hate America this entire time. It makes me wonder what new understanding might be reached with an in-depth examination of each one...

I think I smell a series coming on.

Up Next: Lego Alpha Team!