Thursday, November 27, 2008

Ladies and Gentlemen... Lego Alpha Team

Any gamer is familiar with the recent phenomena of Lego video games, whether it's "Lego Star Wars" or "Lego Indiana Jones" or shockingly enough "Lego Batman." But could you imagine that back in the day when Lego actually created their own themes instead of cashing in on the latest movies, there were ORIGINAL LEGO VIDEOGAMES!?!?!

In my last post, I introduced you to Lego Island, a piece of filthy communist propaganda. Now, this game was such a huge part of my childhood, I don't feel like I really did it much justice apart from exposing it's communist agenda. But there will be time to do an in-depth review of Lego Island later... Right now we're on to ALPHA TEAM!


The story of this game is basically what you'd expect from the cover- a team of secret agents trying to stop a super villain named Ogel from taking over the world. But you'd be surprised to discover that the game isn't actually an action game but a puzzle game, involving the proper placement of various gadgets. The game itself is actually surprisingly challenging- not what you would expect from a Lego game. Also, the music is pretty rad. If I could I would put it on my iPod. Or at least use it in a soundtrack for a spy movie. It's pretty sweet like that.

Anyways, enough about the game... Our titular protagonists are much more interesting.
Let's meet them, shall we?

Dash- Dash is the member of the team that you begin the game with, and he is for all intents and purposes, a flat-topped, bestubbled generic action hero type. According to the game, Dash is the Alpha Team's "Motion Expert." Motion expert? What the hell does that even mean? If it anything like that one song from "Hairspray" about not being able to stop the motion of the ocean? How can I, Michael Toland become a motion expert?

Crunch- Crunch is the second member of the team you rescue, and he appears to be the team's Homelessness Expert. Or the team Rapist Expert. Or maybe both... Oh wait, he's supposed to be a Demolitions Expert? He looks more like some guy you would finding sleeping outside the 7-11 or threatening your family than any type of secret agent... In either case, he does not look like somebody that I would trust with bombs.

Radia- Radia is the team's nonexistant haircolor expert, as well as the Laser Expert. Now, you might think that this would make her the most badass member of the team but like I said it's a puzzle game, not an action one, meaning that her lasers just... bounce of mirrors. So instead of being a badass, she's boring...

Cam- Cam is the team Motor Expert. Which why she has an exorbitant amount of wrenches. I don't know why she would need that many wrenches to do her job (although according to the box art, she can use them to deflect lasers, thus making her a better female character than Radia.) Myabe she can lend Radia one of her wrenches to defend herself from Crunch when he oversteps his boundaries, seeing as Radia's lasers actually don't do anything!

Charge- Dash's brother in flat-toppery, he's the team's Electricity expert. He has a sweet goatee and sunglasses, and is thus cooler than any other person on the team. Radia wishes she could grow a goatee and be half as cool as Charge, but she can't because she is boring. Cam wants to get inside Charge's pants. So does Crunch.

Flex- Flex was always my favorite Alpha Team member when I was a kid. Something about the way he had that CRRRRRAAAAZY huge smile all the time and the way I always envisioned Barney from "The Simpsons" voice emanating from him just made him a much better character than his fellow Alpha Team compatriots. He always seemed so joyous and whimsical and for some reason that really appealed to me as a kid. Flex is the team's Rope expert and-
Wait a minute... Rope expert?
Like climbing and stuff of course! Just because he works with ropes doesn't mean that he's into that-
Oh god that smile... Why is smiling like that?
I take back everything I said about Crunch. I think that Flex is definitely the team Rapist expert. Who even knows what he's looking at right now? Oh god... The thing on top of his helmet... What is that even for?

So there you have it! The most badass, most rape convictionist secret agents to ever pop out of Lego! I just never realized how terrifying they were until I got older, just as I never thought to see the communist agenda in Lego Island... How many of these Lego games have these dark undertones!?!?

Up Next: Our look at Lego games concludes with LEGO RACERS!

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