There are some things that simply need to be done.
I doubt that many, if any of you will remember my old blog on Myspace in which I rambled about MODOK, old videogames, pimp-smacking the Clock King and even died once or twice. Well, I deleted my Myspace long ago, and my blog along with it but something has been gnawing at me to write a new one... To return to my rambling ways, because if I don't than someone else will have to and I might as well spare them the trouble.
It is to that end that I christen this... THY GEEK RAMBLES! My new, ramblin' blog!
Why Thy Geek? Because I am one. And the "Thy" reminds me of "Thy Dungeonman" which is a cool name. So there.
Now that I'm back on the scene, it's time to wonder... What topic could have called me out of my retirement? What could have been so important that I take up a new blog after all these years?
Communism. Plain and simple.
Now, when you think of Communist states, you think of places like the U.S.S.R, China, North Korea and... Lego Island?
Now, few of you may remember Lego Island, a kid-friendly PC Game about the power of building toys and what not.
Those of you who did play Lego Island (such as myself. I loved this game as a kid) will no doubt fondly recall building jet-skis and racercars, meeting a cast of colorful Lego characters and delivering Mama and Papa Brickolini's Pizzas in the role of their adopted son, Pepper.
How young and foolish we both were. Little did we realize that this game was little more than a piece of commie propaganda designed to indoctrinate us young, impressionable kids! But you don't have to take my word for it... Ladies and Gentlemen, WHY LEGO ISLAND IS COMMUNIST!
First things first, let's introduce our single party state ruler, the Infomaniac! he's supposed to guide you through the many wonders of Lego Island, and while at first he may seem friendly... Just look at him!
Now look at Stalin.
Chilling, isn't it? And notice the prevalence of the color red on his map? Something fairly COMMUNIST is afoot here... But that is hardly the only thing communisty here. A central draw of the game is building the Lego vehicles and driving them around... Until you realize that the vehicles you build aren't for your personal use, they're for the good of the state! I remember I built a totally badass jetski only to see some fucker driving it around a few minutes later... Although I suppose it wasn't my jetski. IT WAS THE STATE'S!
Let's consider the playable characters in the game. You can assume the role of one of several lego people, including Italian stereotypes Mama and Papa Brickolini, the aforementioned delivery boy Pepper and... POLICE OFFICERS?
That's right. Ladies and Gentlemen: Nick and Laura Brick. Nick Brick was my favorite character, until I realized that they were little more than the Infomaniac's secret police! You may say "Oh, but Michael, they're just ordinary law enforcement officers! They keep the peace! That's all!" WRONG! And here is perhaps the darkest part of Lego Island...
Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the unfortunate enemy of the state: The Brickster.
Look at him, trapped behind bars. In my childhood he was the embodiment of all evil as he wanted to take this apart instead of build them, but now I truly realize his tragedy. For daring to oppose the Infomaniac's iron clad rule, the Brickster was imprisoned for life, to be heckled and reviled by the people as he slowly starves to death! Just look at the sign they hung outside his cell...
NO PIZAZ! NO FUCKING PIZAZ! WANT PIZAZ? TOO FUCKING BAD IF YOU'RE THE BRICKSTER!!!
Actually, that sign is supposed to say "Pizza." That's what it says when you go to the cell with any character other than Pepper (who is dyslexic. No joke.) Okay, so the destructive enemy of the state isn't allowed any Pizza. Is that so bad? When you consider that the only source of food aprat from small animals is the Brickolini Pizza place, it is!
This callus treatment of the enemy of the state, combined with de-emphasis on personal property (many a time I would just walk up to a vehicle and take it, no questions asked? Pepper's trademark skateboard became Nick Brick's trademark skateboard many-a -time, and there was that bastard who took my jetski!) and the motif of the red as well as other elements that I can't show you in picture form (the propaganda coming from each car radio) and we have quite the communist state on our hands...
Lenin had Trotsky... The Infomaniac has Nick Brick.
My money's on Nick Brick. That guy is a straight up thug.
Lego based games were a huge part of my early childhood... This one was my favorite. Imagine my disappointment now that I understand that I was being programmed to hate America this entire time. It makes me wonder what new understanding might be reached with an in-depth examination of each one...
I think I smell a series coming on.
Up Next: Lego Alpha Team!